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The Ones That Didn't Make It

PUBLISHED

17:52 5th June 2013

The less serious Head Coach applications

Everyone at Wolves was delighted to welcome new Head Coach Kenny Jackett to the club as he was officially introduced to the media on Monday.

As revealed by Jez Moxey and Kevin Thelwell, there were 75 candidates who were assessed as part of an intensive four-week process which saw the applicants whittled down via research and interviews until Jackett was appointed.

But there were also other applications which didn’t quite make it onto that list of 75.

These were applications which perhaps weren’t quite as serious, albeit very well crafted!

So, with tongue very firmly in cheek, here below are a few excerpts from applications from Wolves fans who clearly have plenty of creativity within their ranks!

We have of course kept the candidates anonymous as should be the case in these scenarios – after all they may wish to apply for a similar position elsewhere!!!

Thanks to all who took the time to send in some very detailed applications – you will receive a reply.

 

We would also like to send a new home shirt to the supporter who produced the funniest of the excerpts included below.  To vote for your favourite please visit our Twitter page – www.twitter.com/officialwolves and select the number, including the hashtag #funnyapps

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1. …I am 21 years old and currently work at ASDA, including Saturday afternoons, so I haven’t been able to have a Season Ticket for the last two seasons.  I am young, have no experience in the football field, and little to prove I can manage a football club.  However, I believe I can do it…..

 

2. …Myself and my support staff are proven in the world of Fantasy Football and since the 2006/07 season have consistently won our respective leagues.  However, having been so successful we feel it’s now time to challenge ourselves further. ..

 

3.…I believe my record on Football Manager speaks for itself.  In my latest file, I took Aston Villa into fifth position, only missing out on the Champions League by one point.  Similarly I have managed at the lower levels, and with Southend United I was able to create club history with back-to-back promotions before cementing our place in the Championship.  This is probably my greatest achievement on the 2013 edition…

 

4. …I have a wealth of experience built up on www.soccermanager.com  I’m currently manager of Leicester City and have led them from League One to the Premiership.  We are currently halfway through the season but I’m not under contract and could leave at any time.  I only spend half an hour everyday running this team which I would be happy to continue to do in my lunch break….

 

5. …Please understand that a Skype or phone interview would be the most convenient for me….

 

6. …I am writing with reference to my recent application for the vacant manager’s job at Wolverhampton Wanderers.  I understand that will you have been inundated with applications and dare I say a few ‘pranksters’ among them.  But I would like to take this opportunity to reiterate and assure you that my application was sent with the upmost sincerity.  We were unaware of any postal strikes around this date, and can only assume it has unfortunately got lost in the postal system or been the casualty of a communication breakdown…..

 

7. …I have supported Wolves for years and to actually lead the team out onto the Molineux pitch would be a dream come true.  I don’t as yet have my footballers’ coaching badges but it should not take long to get them.  The only thing I do not have is experience, although watching Sky Sports a lot has given me an insight into management……

 

8. …I have an interest in football as I help run my local Beaver Scouts and we play football to a high standard often only losing by, on average, three goals per session….

 

9. …I have lots of good ideas to make the team better and the only thing I ask for is a mirror so I can look at myself constantly and a kennel for my dog….

 

10. …If you could see your way to supplying a copy of The Sun everyday then I would sign a contract for at least two years…

 

11. …I believe I am the best person for the job and my other achievement is representing the Police in the annual tiddlywinks competition, which as you know is an intense and hazardous sport…

 

12. ...I am 45 years old, have studied the game for many years, and would gladly relocate if offered the position…

 

13. …My Football Manager experience has included FA Cup, League Cup and European experience and has allowed me to become an expert in work permits, scouting, tactics and man management…

 

14. ...I have just arrived back in the country again and have found out that the manager post at Wolves has become available.  I would like to request a formal application for the post…

 

15. …We have pioneered a state-of-the-art scouting system, assembling a network of computer monitors and TV screens enabling the viewer to watch up to six games simultaneously…

 

16. …I am responsible to my manager for the delivery of a high standard of husbandry welfare and visitor satisfaction which encourages repeat visitors.  This is an area which I feel could be developed at WWFC however radical it may seem…

 

17. …We met at University in October, 2010, and it was immediately clear that we shared an indefatigable zest for tactical progress and excellence in sporting performance.  A managerial duo with almost unlimited potential, ***’s experience as a manager at John Lewis and ****’s as an assistant at Sainsbury’s blends an ideal combination of leadership and organisational prowess…

 

18. …I won the ‘Student of the half term’ award in October 2010 and December 2011.

 

19. …I’m pretty awesome on FIFA and my Spurs team are currently dominating the world.  I reckon I could get you back into the Premier League in three years given the opportunity…

 

20. ...I feel there is one obvious solution you have overlooked.  Only one option remains open to you.  Give the job to a woman.  As you must already know it takes a woman to get any work out of a man…

 

21. …My contract demands are simple.  £5,000 per week, a cool office which overlooks the pitch, maybe a company car, a few free tickets for my mates, and a modest transfer kitty of £20,000,000.

 

22. …I am currently completing my GCSE’s so I am unable to give you my qualifications.  I know you may be thinking – a 16-year-old boy?  But my ambition and passion for the game is to get Wolves back where they belong…

 

23. …I currently have responsibility for a range of endangered species including apes, large carnivores and some hoof stock. I believe this will equip me very well for managing the players, press and fans.  Although we look after apes, I don’t tolerate any monkeying around…

 

24. …I hold a full driving licence and British passport which will facilitate travel.  I assume the manager will also have to drive the bus in these difficult times?  I realise the requirement of a passport is a little presumptuous but forward planning is key!...

 

25. …We are a formidable working football partnership, in the mould of some of the great duo’s such as Clough & Taylor, Ferguson & Kidd and Saint & Greavsie…

 

26. …**** has a knowledge which will help develop the structure of the Wolverhampton Wanderers football team from grass roots level upwards.  He has also upgraded his Sky subscription to include ESPN to further broaden his footballing knowledge…

 

27. …I am a regular participant of FIFA 11 on the Wii and PS2 where I have developed and refined my man-management skills and tactical nous.  I also won last season’s work’s fantasy football league, beating 26 other competitors and pocketing a sizeable £135 in cash…

 

28. …I already understand the offside rule which should be a big advantage over some of the other candidates….

 

29. …We consistently predicted correctly 56 per cent of Premier League fixtures last season.  We fully understand the offside rule and are familiar with many formations including 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 4-5-1, 3-5-2 and 5-5…

 

30. …My knowledge of tactics and formation is strong as I have been an avid player of Football Manager for the last six years.  Hopefully you can contact me back with your interest and then we can meet in person to talk about my contract….

 

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